My best pack of Greek trading cards ever

Greek satire of the month-

I walked into a Circle K and I filled myself up a major polar pop of Pepsi. I then go up to the clerk and request my usual pack. He tosses me a fresh pack of IU Greek trading cards. I eagerly scurry out of the station and rip open the pack as I always do, very excited to see the rarity of the players I got. Every pack was typically the same. You got 5 cards, usually 3 frat guys and 2 sorority girls. Typically you would get a couple duds, maybe a couple of promising up and comers and one total all-star. I would typically mentally rank these as a 1,2, or 3. Little did I know today was my lucky day. I immediately see Lauren McMahel as my first card with the following stats.

Lauren McMahel- Chi Omega- Jordan Extension division, Senior
Face: (attractiveness) 97
Party: (Willingness to go out) 92
Wallet: (money spent at the bars) 90
Fame: (notariety on campus) 98
Substance: (Personality, intelligence, ambition) 94
Special move: The Ktown stomp (induces 25 damage points)

What an all-star! This card had to be worth a pretty penny, it crushed my former best card of Erik Styacich! His highest ranking was face and that was only an 82!
In my joyous moment I almost completely forgot about my other 4 cards!
The next was a solid up and comer named Mike Snyder! All of his stats were in the 70s and 80s and he was only a sophomore. The value would only appreciate with time.
Next I got an Eric Kozik, a solid card but I already had a couple, I figured I could parlay it for a pretty solid trade with a fellow card collector.
Next I unveiled a whopper! A Lauryn Roberts rookie card! Wow was I thrilled, I was 4 for 4 on category 1 cards thus far. This pack must have been some sort of mistake. Any one of these cards would go to be the top 10 in my collection. I knew I must have the ultimate bum coming up, but I almost fainted when I flipped the next over.

I had heard about a very few cards that gave out perfect values of 100. It was rumored that if a character had 100/100 in any category they were portrayed as a glossy hologram. I was staring face to face with Matt McBroom.

Wallet: *100*
Special move: Charge This! (250 damage points)

I had done it. I was now in the exclusive club of the elite collectors who had obtained a perfect card. And I owed it all to Mr. McBroom's obsessive frat tabbing at Kilroy's. I called my parents and told them all about it, I even shared it with my fraternity brothers at chapter. It was and always will be the best day of my life.

Some people care about the Babe Ruth rookie card, others about the rare Charizard hologram...well fuck them! I had my Matt McBroom hologram IU greek card!

More Greek satires to come!

Trenitalia-(French Riviera)

Just got back from French Riviera...it was fantastic. Larkin and I escorted Jess and Shana around the South of France and it was nothing short of paradise. The time that wasn't spent binge drinking on the beach or falling asleep on barstools was pretty much spent in trains or sleeping.

concerning the trains...
after a wonderful day laying on the glorious man-made beaches in Cannes, we hopped on the train back to Nice...or dare I say everyone including White Mountain (phil), zach, shan, lark, jess...I was nowhere to be found. It would probably help if I painted a more vivid picture for you. We did not relax on the beach and purely tan, there were 2 litres of Malibu involved, a couple bottles of vino and dos 40's. I lost my companions after wrestling with a non-cooperative vending machine. I would later find out that I boarded the correct train, but in a drunken cotastrophe, hopped to first class and promptly passed out.

Cannes...Nice (my stop)...Monte Carlo (now in the wrong country)...Menton(seriously fucked)...Ventimille(Welcome to Italy) 'Sir! This is the end of the line you must get off'

Fuck...
I am now an hour away from my friends. Shana has my wallet, I don't have a phone, I am hammered, and have a history of getting lost.

The next train back to Nice is in 3 and a half hours-

Fuck.

I have €2.80...

Fuck.

Cigarettes. Budget now 40 cents...i am seriously fucked.

I DO have a really expensive camera though, so i decide to waste my time by taking pictures of the shit town that I am stranded in. I see a lovely fountain outside the train station and decide it would be a wonderful way to commemorate my excursion. Unbeknownst to me the flash of the cam had woken a nearby bum...furious at my audacity the bum started screaming at me in some sort of pig latin, the next thing i know I am on the ground bleeding because the fiesty bum has pummeled me in the jaw.

Fuck.

An elderly Italian man helps me to my feet and ushers me to a room...I begin to chain smoke. I finally board my train home and share my journeys with some fellows studying abroad in Maastricht. When I arrive the following note has been left by the love of my life.

Moeller,
Went to the police station, very worried about you, call Larkin with my phone.
Love,
Your (sad) friends

To which I text to ryan...

I an alive. Call me.

...they returned Phil roughed me up a little and then we went out for cocktails.

All in all it was a fabulous weekend. Best trip so far, and def made me realize who my future wife is. Other notables include Phil and Zach's extreme luck in Monte Carlo, a great sandwich at Subway, and the French are awesome.

It should also be noted that Larkin and I proceded to black out at the Fiorentina soccer game yesterday and then Estaban and Potts accompanied me to my favorite bar on Cavour...5 shots 5 euro

...it's amazing that I made it to Italian this morning.

I'll see you all soon,

Post Scripts-
Carmen and all other Indy supporters if you are reading this right now...let's go racing
Kels if you are reading this now...I'm ready for Monroe
Quinn...Geist
Dan...first legal beer with my best friend
everyone else (except for the Koziks)...20 days

The real slim shady

Apparently a gang of young hoodlums has set out to destroy my good name in an act of internet slander. My name has been attached to some odd 439 threads on juicycampus, so now everyone at IU thinks I am an asshole. But then again, most people who read juicycampus are, themselves, assholes. I just wanted to clear the air that I have never posted on juicycampus, and though Amanda and I enjoy reading from time to time about the intense hatred of redneck midwesterners of the "east coast japs" and I even have to laugh when an overexagerrated tale of some freshman's sexual record hits the presses; I find the website cowardly, and do not subscribe to its authenticity.

So please discount any thoughts or accusations that bear my name on the website. It is simply someone small hiding behind my apparently controversial image. Some people can't deal with the idea of growing up or getting a job so they spend more time on gossip websites when they need to be setting their home page to the ucso.

Besides why share my glory with drunken whores, doomed fraternities, and ironic rants, when I can basque in my glory all alone...

Right here.

Thanks,

The real slim shady

Casualties of War

Matteotti 25 was a proud house of 10 men a few short weeks ago, but now our full strength is somewhere between 8 and 9. Roomie Jon from Michigan was sent home after intense internal problems. Apparently when they removed his appendix in Amsterdam, they were toying with the wrong organ...now in advanced stages of Pancreitus his family has opted to get him back to the states for proper medical care, so have all your thoughts and prayers with Jon and his family.

And then there's Jack...
After a full weekend of crashing together mighty steins of flavorful beer, our protagonist decided that one last afternoon black-out was an order. He proceeded to drink about 6 litres of beer and pass out onto the hood of a blue BMW. After being dragged half conscious to the train station Jack passed out on a bench in front of our train. We all loaded the train and after about an hour we realized that no one had seen Jack, but he purchased his ticket seperately so perhaps he was on a different car.

Sure enough, 4 am rolls around and Hunter receives a garbled call and can make out a few words: "drunk, Germans, club, Munich, party, drunk"

...and thats the last any of us have heard from JP Shannon

Jon- Wounded in battle
Jack- Missing in Action

The violence must stop

David´s German Checklist

Litres of Beer consumed: 23 +or- 2
Steins broken due to excessive cheersing: 2
Carnival toys won for hot chicks: 1
Beergardens visited: 4
Local beers sampled: 6
Photos taken: 236
Nights that ended after 2 am: 0
Blackouts: 2
Sleepwalks: 1
Concentration Camps visited: 1
Cigarettes: ~32
High fives exchanged: 194
Hangovers: 3
Brats consumed: 3
Roast Ducks dominated: 1
Rides riden: 3
Larkin impressions: 74
Times used the word "earn": countless
Times I have complimented A hof on her bangs: 83
Times I have wished Courtney lived with us: 682
Times I have thought about Florence: 0

Sober thoughts

So here I sit, typing away in my German hostel in Munich. The Y and Z key are switched and it is driving me nuts. There is also a very creepy black man following around Larkin and Chase, this is why I am not friendly to strangers. Now we will have Stephen the 32 year old burn out trailing us the rest of our journey...whatever

Anyways, I figure this is the last moment I will be sober until Monday morning. It is beerfest here or something, and I fully intend on sampling every beer in Bavaria while I am here. TPotts and I are going to make ponchos so that we can cheers our steins together so hard that a rainshower of frothy foam ensues. My hangover from the train drinking is starting to kick in, I would not advise drinking 6 large beers and 3 gin and tonics on the euro night unless you have an MBA in earning it. I cant check in to my room for another 6 hours, I might have to ask this asian gentlemen to my left how to do a samurai suicide...hari kari.

Fuck it...back to my hammock.

SPEA later.

P.S. A double cheeseburger meal from BK in Germany is 4.50 Euro

Can't nobody hold me down

I'm back on facebook baby and now I am in Barcelona right now posted on the couch in Anna and Kish's apartment. Last night I emerged from my black out at 5 am sleepwalking around Barcelona without my shoes on. Apparently Taylor and I fell asleep to Wedding Crashers but in the middle of the night I mysteriously disappeared, story of my life...right?

Anyways, its kind of a shitty day out so we are going to tie dye shirts for our little 5 party on the beach tomorrow. Hopefully the IU crew will swell when we recruit up and comers like Julian and Josh and we can successfully frat the face off of Spain in the next few nights. Is it pathetic that its 4 pm and we just woke up?

A few quick notes-

Played landmines last night they have canned beers here
An average club here is way better than everything in Florence
Still searching for that first Bud Light
Lost Peter troll, sorry Steve
Barcelona is awesome
Made microwave popcorn for the first time in Europe...delicious
Insta-coffee doesn't always taste bad
Lost Ashley last night, but she just arrived at front door unharmed, instinct to survive must be strong in that one
Monday's IDS headline: Phi Psi breaks the curse: wins 8th little 5
Larkin is legally stoned right now for the first time in his life
18 credits as a senior? Kilroy's attendance will not be negatively correlated with ammount of credits.
Class attendance may be.
I should probably go buy some beer and wash my feet off, 3 hours bare foot in a big city can't be healthy.

Peace

el conquistador...

P.S. Adam Mercer is the key to victory tomorrow, you guys don't know this yet but he found a magic lamp on spring break in 7th grade. He never used his third wish, time to pull the trigger Adam.

Music and Lyrics

Has anyone ever read the lyrics for "Throw Some D's"? It is an abomination to say the least. Mr. Boy has set his people back at least 50 years with his rambling jargon slangisms and crude ebonics.

However, we will all be purchasing tickets to the concert because there isn't anything else to do in this god forsaken country except drink in excess. I really don't have anything to write about, I'm pretty much bored because my facebook destiny is still on trial. I would love to give Mark Zuckerburg a swift kick to the junk, who is that cocky cunt to tell me I can't poke, post and tag?

Get me to Spain...and fuck Italian keyboards, this message is taking so long to type.

Really all I want is a Keystone and some Buffalo sauce...and it is so much more satisfying to bring a girl back from Kilroy's than these grimy clubs here with our half twin mattresses. Ok, whatever mini-rant adjourned, enjoy your little 5...i need to go dri nk away my confusion.

Disallusioned with non-Americans,

George W...

P.S. Justin Kozik is coming to stay with me...Hooray!

Facebook extradition

You may have noticed I have been kicked off facebook. I don't really want to get into it, but more or less I left my account open and instead of one of my buddies turning me into Dave the gay nurse who loved Brokeback Mountain, some australian turned me into Patrick Bateman the serial killer of gays and whores. Needless to say Facebook didn't deal with this too lightly, but I sent an e-mail and hopefully my exile will soon end.

Anyways I heard Gorman was getting a little too fratty over the weekend and all of our thoughts and prayers are with him, apparently Jake told Jack that he is going to be OK which is great news, please be careful the rest of the week guys.

I just got back from the French Riviera where I laid on the beach all day writing my novel, it's all about IU and if you guys want to read it, I'll send you a copy when I'm done. It's kind of a downer though, don't expect a book on my memoirs (or lack their of) of Kilroy's.

So we are having a little 5 of our own over here, minus the 200,000 dollar budget (I know its only 20, that exageration was intentional.) But we managed to rcok pretty hard all day yesterday and the festivities continue tonight with a barbeque and "Green Street Hooligans" bar crawl.

Tomorrow we are all dressing like Tau's and having a "I love new york" party and then going to a Rich Boy concert. D's will be thrown everywhere.

Thursday I'm crusing to Barcelona to get my XO fix since Bryant and Logan always seem to be hiding somewhere mysterious. Peazy and Anna have promised me a beach party with a little 5 theme. I am excited to say the least.

By the way I'm going to Paris with Larkin Jess and Shana in two weeks, I have high aspirations for that weekend being the absolute highlight of my life, if not at least a top 3 weekend abroad.

If you kids win little 5 I will send you all mail order brides from Holland and I will try vegetables. I seriously can't believ I'm not there for one of my last little 5's and I even registered for classes yesterday, I'm fucking old and its bullshit. I envy the likes of Alex Konstantopoulous who have at least three years left in Btown. We've watched breaking away three times already this week, I used to like the ending but now I find myself sympathizing with the Sigma Taus and uttering "fucking gdis..." I mean if it weren't for Steve Tesich we would all be the reigning champs right now.

Frat hard this week and have a beer, fifth, or some strange combination of several for me and the guys this week.

It's hip to be square,

Huey Lewis...

Righters Block

I think that one of the most important parts of a blog entry, article, story, poem, etc. is to have a strong title. For example I have just given you something seemingly misspelled and out of place. But no I am not having trouble thinking of things to write about, I just thought that Righters Block would be a really cool play on words if perhaps I was going to touch on the problems in the Republican party, the electability of McCain or just disarray with conservatism in general. I will not bore you with that though because I know my audience isn't very political, but that's just a quick lesson for those of you who apire to write in the future, now without further adu today's blogpost...

Title: Dead Men Walking

We have a meeting with our program tomorrow and we could be severely fucked. They refuse to tell us what the problem is but it is hinted that there are severe consequences in store for us. Let's evaluate some of the things that they could be deporting us for...
-Noise complaints...but we live in an office park, so it would have to be a noise complaint from someone a block away or the lawyer's don't enjoy our day drinking events...to be honest neither would surprise me.
-The large ammounts of vomit that have been piling up outside the front door recently...this one also would be no surprise since I think just about every Kappa has made some sort of deposit to the puke puddle recently. In this case I will put all of the blame on my poor cooking and their weak stomachs...after all it is possible to yak without drinking.
-The large amounts of "cigarettes" that are smoked in the apartment...well we'll just have to deny til we die
-The overwhelming number of shackers that we have...haha, but seriously if you have people spend the night in Italy it is a felony so even when little bro sleeps on the couch you are putting your life on the line. It probably becomes much more obvious when you stumble home with a loud Boston girl at 6 in the morning and then proceed to well I don't know...whatever Boston girls like to do when they get back from bars that is probably loud, obnoxious, and rude.

It could also be any combonation of these things, I have cleverly devised escape strategies for most of these theories, but if I fail I may be seeing you all sooner rather than later, at which point I will not tell my parents and live on the frat couch until May 19th, and then someone is going to have to drive me to Detroit so my parents can pick me up and bring me home.

I work on Wall Street,
Patrick Bateman...

P.S. http://phipsiphlightforafriend.googlepages.com/